Musings and Insights

MindFULL Selfies and Mannequins

Do you ever step out of the shower and catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror? What’s the first thought that goes through your mind?

Gotta confess, mine isn’t pretty. When I was little, I was “chubby”. Sometimes, I still look in the mirror and see that little girl. Other times, I notice my thoughts and try and be a little kinder.

I have found when I notice my world, that which I need to learn shows up pretty clearly in front of me. As life would have it, my learning of physical self-compassion came in the form of two videos seen on the same day.

The first video was directed by documentary filmmaker Cynthia Wade and produced by our (wildly talented cousin) Sharon Liese (Producer, High School Confidential) and debuted at the 2014 Sundance Film Festival a few weeks ago – to high praise and well deserved acclaim.

The 7-minute short film called Selfie explores how social media is shaping the way we perceive beauty and follows a series of teenagers and their mothers who are asked to take self-images that highlight their insecurities about the way they look. The film aims to empower women to redefine the traditional perception of beauty found in glossy magazines and movies.

http://mashable.com/2014/01/20/dove-selfies-short-film/

The second video, Pro Infirmis (Because Who Among Us Is Perfect?) was shown in my Kabbalah class (www.thekabbalahexperience.com) and shows the creation of mannequins in the shape of body different people. It was so powerful it brought tears to my eyes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8umFV69fNg

As I watch my own teenage daughter grow and move through her self definition and perceptions, I am in awe and constant prayer. How do I help her make sense of all of this when my husband’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue arrives, blaring three young girls wearing only bikini bottoms and their tushies hanging out? Thankfully, she is bright, emotionally intelligent and has her own sense of (delightful and creative) style. Still, I just read an article in this week’s NYTs that said “It’s been estimated that girls 11 to 14 are subjected to some 500 advertisements a day”. The ensuing results could fill 10 posts.

Why aren’t we seeing more videos like Selfie and the Mannequins? Afterall, if we really are trying to accept ourselves, may be the Selves we promote should be real – not airbrushed.

How do you MindFULLY notice and accept your Self? Let us know!

Love, Loss, Bold Living and 365 Days at a Time

I don’t know if it’s my age, but a lot of loss is starting to show up and it begs the question, “How do WE show up?” Before we can be of comfort, it seems to me that we must first seek to understand what someone is going through. And when it comes to be our turn, which sadly, it will, perhaps we will find solace in the stories of those that have come before us.

This Wednesday night, my friend, Nancy Sharp, is going to be launching her new book, BOTH SIDES NOW: A True Story of Love, Loss, and Bold Living. Because I can’t write half as well as she can, I am re-printing a piece of the story that has been written and shared. She is pure inspiration. With grace and dignity and a laugh that makes you smile, Nancy shows us all how to live BOLDLY. Check out her website for more info on her book and this week’s celebration for those who live in Denver (Tattered Cover, Wed 7:30pm) http://www.nancysharp.net.

The past is simply part of our story; just not the whole story…On the very day that Nancy Sharp delivered premature twins, she learned that her husband’s brain cancer returned after eighteen months in remission. Less than three years later, at the age of 37, she became a widow. Seeking a fresh start in the solace of the Rocky Mountains, Nancy packed up her five year-old twins and left Manhattan for Denver, never imagining that she would find love in the pages of a magazine. But after reading an article on eligible bachelors, Nancy sent an email to Steve Saunders, a popular Denver television anchor turned political candidate as well as a widower who’d lost his wife to cancer, and was raising two sons a decade older than Nancy’s twins. Together they started a new chapter of their own. In BOTH SIDES NOW Nancy shares her unforgettable journey – one that offers enlightened understanding for living life to the fullest. Her story is a gift to those looking to lift themselves from the embers of loss and adversity through bold living.

Also on our shelves, we are blessed to have another friend’s book, Living with Loss, One Day at a Time. While it, too, was born out of the passing of her husband, Rachel Blythe Kodanaz takes her bountiful compassion and understanding and shines a daily light for those who may be taking it, “one day at a time”.

Living with Loss, One Day at a Time, offers daily encouragement to individuals and families who have lost a loved one or are suffering from any form of loss. As was written about Rachel’s book:

The 365 daily lessons and thought-provoking ideas provide hope, optimism, introspection, and self-discovery. There is no beginning or end to the book – the reader can skip around or dive in sequentially. The book is a great tool to spark communication with your family on a daily basis as each day provides a discussion item for all ages and creates a meaningful dinnertime conversation. The pages provide space for journaling and capturing the reader’s perspective on the topic of the day. The upbeat and matter-of-fact format allows for clarity on subjects that are often overlooked or not discussed amongst friends and family. Whether you recently experienced a loss or find a need for a boost of encouragement, the book will be your companion through your journey.

For more on navigating loss of any kind, check out Rachel’s website: http://www.rachelkodanaz.com

Living life includes living loss. How do you MindFULLY live both ?

Let us know!

Burned Biscuits

A few weeks ago, I had some friends over for dinner. The family is very special to me; they have a connection to my Grandmother, who was a very important person in my life. Sometimes holidays are hard for me and this family has generously included us on several occasions. I had been meaning to host them for a long time, but was always waiting for the stars to align. They meant a lot and I wanted every thing to be perfect.

I should have kept on waiting.

I worked so hard to make a nice setting and good food. Rather than sticking with old standbys, I attempted Julia Child’s Coq Au Vin. It was a bomb. I overcooked it – no sauce left in the pan and the chicken was purple from soaking in the red wine. Bluch.

But, the lesson in the meal was not in how to perfect Coq Au Vin, it was in the learning that nothing has to be, nor really can be, perfect. The missing ingredient to my dish was my sense of humor and had I realized it then, I would have joked that this meal looked like something my Grandmother would have made for their Grandmother – I have the only Jewish Grandmother who wasn’t known for her cooking. We should have ordered a pizza.

A few days later, in the retelling of the story to a friend, I had a few really juicy insights. After our call, she sent me the following story from a blog she follows (www.spendwithpennies.com). With a lighter heart (and warm laugh) I pass it on to you and raise my glass (and awareness) to good friends and good intentions. This Holiday Season, and throughout the coming year, may you accept others and yourself – and enjoy your “burned biscuits” lathered generously with sweet, creamy butter and rich, fragrant jam!

When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! All my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that ugly burned biscuit. He ate every bite of that thing…never made a face nor uttered a word about it! When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I’ll never forget what he said, “Honey, I love burned biscuits every now and then.” Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your Mom put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired. And besides–a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!” As I’ve grown older, I’ve thought about that many times. Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I’m not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I’ve learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults and choosing to celebrate each other’s differences is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. And that’s my prayer for you today…that you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He’s the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn’t a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship! So, please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine.”

Freezerburn Bright

As I opened the fridge last night, I saw left over potato pancakes (latkes) and a bowl of home-made applesauce staring at me. Once again, I made too many latkes and cooked more applesauce than Johnny Appleseed could stomach. And once again, I reached to throw food away. However, something stopped me this time. And I had an idea…

What, if for the next two weeks, as we return to work, school and routine, I buy only fruits and veggies, and attempt to eat everything we have in the freezer and cupboards – until they’re bare?

Seems we often look at what we have in the freezer, and on the shelves, and then run out and buy more.

I poked through the freezer and took out two aluminum packages. Turkey meatloaf in one, Enchiladas in the other. Guess what’s for dinner?

My mom sent me a new book last week that has inspired this change of food perspective, Blood Bones and Butter – The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef by Gabrielle Hamilton. It looks delicious and I can’t wait to devour it.

Perhaps with this new intention to make my way through the aluminum in the freezer, I’ll find some cookies to enjoy while I read Gabrielle’s story. I hope they look better than the Turkeyloaf.

What are you MindFULLY eating and reading this Holiday season?

Let us know!

Great-FULL

If you look closely at my picture, you’ll see it’s of a bundt cake. I made it yesterday to celebrate the safe return of my friend’s son. He and four friends were camping in the mountains of Utah last weekend, when weather blew in and they found themselves stranded. Long story short, parents alerted the Sheriff and after a failed attempt to locate them by snowmobile patrol on Sunday, a Search and Rescue helicopter was dispatched Monday morning. Thank g-d and beyond, around noon they were found.

I baked a bundt cake, because when my friend’s son graduated from HS last Spring, I baked six different bundt cakes, with made up names and flavors, for his party. This time, I made up another one in his honor, but the top and sides didn’t fully come out of the pan.

I delivered it anyway. It seemed to me the perfect metaphor for his ordeal. In the card I wrote: As we know, things don’t always go as planned. In celebration of your safe return, I had to bake you a bundt cake. It didn’t come out so well. Rather than consider it a flop, I offer it still. Seems it’s like life – it can be looked at in so many ways, and in doing so, we can still find the yummy parts. Instead of slicing the cake, maybe crumble it into bowls with ice cream?

And there in my own words to him, I realized that I had been stuck in all that “wasn’t” in Thanksgiving/Holidays. Something in me shifted and I was inspired to find the yummy parts, even though my metaphorical “Holiday Cake” didn’t look like I thought it should.

And then, as if by miracle, something crazy happened. Spontaneity and delight took hold and within an hour, the first night of Chanukah had a plan. A few hours later, with ease and overcooked latkes, we found ourselves sitting around the dining table with our friends (who treat my daughter with such love) and laughed as she opened their generous gift in the glow of the menorah.

Then this morning, one of them, Ellen, encouraged us to spontaneously enter the Turkey Trot. As we trotted around the park, I told her what was happening and she wisely said, “Sometimes what you think something should be, isn’t’ really what you want anyway, is it?” Woa. And there she had it. Forced to get real with myself, my gratitude actually welled up.

It’s so easy to think things should be a certain way. That I should be a certain way. And then I reminded myself of something I have always known, but in my own vulnerability had forgotten…I do have a lot of what I want, it just may not look… a certain way.

Once I shifted my perspective, I began to see G-d winks (little miracles of love) everywhere. I see it in this picture my cous-end (cousin who is like a friend) just sent from Boston. She poured a little wine in a glass and put it on her counter, so as to have me there in Spirit.

My list could go on…and will. So much has already happened in the last 24 hours to kick-off the season with a light and great-filled heart. Tonight, I will hold hands with my own small family of 3 and revel in a delicious dinner at a beautiful restaurant. There will be no dishes to do…only a delicious “Holiday Cake” to enjoy.

How do you MindFULLY find ways to be Great-FULL during the Holidays?

Let us know!

Get Your *&^% Together

Last week, as I was walking my laps around the park, I was talking on the phone with my wonderful stepsister, Lisa. The reception was sketchy, so you can imagine my surprise when all I heard was “Get your &^%$ together!”

“What?” I cringed back. “It’s the name of a web-site geared toward Life and Death Planning, created by a woman who’s husband died unexpectedly,” she shouted. http://getyourshittogether.org/

Sigh. This conversation came to be as I shared the sadness I was struggling to shake around the surprising death of a really good man, Rob Mintz. Over the past year, I have had the delight of getting to know Rob’s wife, Lisa, as our lives intersect via school, community and shared visions. I had known Rob for a while. I appreciated Rob – you see, he was one of those people who had the gift of making me feel like I matter. Every time I saw him, his face would light up and he would say, “Hi, Robbie!”. The only folks who use that nickname for me are friends from my youth and some family members. It was endearing and warming.

Rob’s sudden death rocked our community. He was a well-respected attorney, father, husband, Philanthropist and friend to many.

Over 1.000 people attended the funeral service. As I sat in the sanctuary I MindFULLY thought of so many things. I felt for his wife and children. I felt for his family. I felt for their friends. I sat in awe of all who stood to say good-bye and I wondered who would stand for me? Relationships have been on my mind. This is the time of Elul in Judaism., a month where we reflect on things we’d like to make better within ourselves and heal/forgive in our lives/relationships and world. I had some things that needed my attention. I wrote them down and am setting out to check them off. I’ll let you know how I do. For now, I am 1 for 3 in the forgiveness department. 2 haven’t responded and 1 reached back and said, “How about a sandwich?” I have picked two character traits to work on, as well. I hope to be 2 for 2 with some real work.

It also got me thinking that g-d forbid if something happened, is everything (will, etc) in its’ “place” and who knows what/where that place is? Truth be told, I freaked out. I talked to my husband about “where everything is” and called our dear friend who handles it all. In spite of it not being all that comfortable, I talked to my daughter about knowing she is safe and that Daddy and I have done everything we can to make sure that we had her back. I put “important numbers to know” in her cell phone, showed her where some things are and hugged the heck out of her. To me, letting your kid know you are on her side and she is safe (you have done what you should do as a parent on her behalf) and loved, is the greatest gift in the world. My own life has shown me that it is the foundation for esteem and enables one to settle into the business of growing themselves vs worrying if they are loved or have enough.

Then another friend told me how Rob’s passing has made her think about all this, as well. She heard a great piece on NPR – http://www.marketplace.org/shows/marketplace-money/marketplace-money-friday-august-16-2013 Did you know that having a safety deposit box isn’t such a good idea, after all? Give a listen.

There is a ton out there to help us “get our *&^% together” and it is a gift you can give those you love, and yourself. MindFULL Peace of Mind is what I like to call it. And I hope I don’t have to think about it again, for a long time to come.

Who knows where your MindFULL documents are? You don’t have to let us know, but make sure someone does!And if there is a MindFULL relationship you’d like to heal, give it a try. That’s all you can do.

30 MindFULL Days

According to the Jewish calendar (a Jewish calendar is lunar vs a solar calendar like the one the US and other countries use) tonight begins Elul — the 30 day journey to Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year). This is a very auspicious time for reflection and redirection.

Whether or not you are Jewish, I thought you might find the support of trying something new for 30 days, helpful. I know I do. Below is a link to a blog and video that was sent along by a wise and loving teacher.

www.aish.com/h/hh/e/inspiration/Try-Something-New-for-30-Days.html

Pondering what I was going to work on for 30 days, another wise and loving friend posted this thought provoking commencement speech given at Syracuse University, by George Saunders. It talks about Kindness.

Kindness has been a big topic with a girlfriend recently. Whether kind to others, or to our selves, it seems to be a characteristic that escapes us rather easily. We are all human and make mistakes. But what we do after we make them (apologize, accept apologies, “know better, do better, have empathy, beat ourselves up) is where the work begins…and ends.

http://6thfloor.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/07/31/george-saunderss-advice-to-graduates/?smid=fb-share&_r=1&

I hope you will think about joining me. Of course you can pick whatever you need to work on. All I ask, is that you be kind to yourself and others, while you try.

What is the MindFULL trait you choose? Let us know?

MindFULL Re-Entry

All around the country, it sounds brutally hot and gazpacho is a wonderful light and cool dish just perfect for this kind of weather. While I was planning to post all the gazpacho recipes I could find, I’ve decided to share a link that offers lots of other delicious ideas instead. I hope you find something that adds to your summer repertoire! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/03/gazpacho-recipes_n_1645922.html#slide=1178639

Even tho the heat around the country is miserable, I took the chance to get out of town for a few weeks while my daughter was away. She got home last night and I am so grateful that I had some “me” time when she was gone, because I painfully needed to drop my own oxygen mask in order to help her breathe. I was clearly out of air by Spring. I knew I was struggling, but it wasn’t til an old friend from HS saw me and really validated my sense that the pounds had crept on and my beloved Leo’s mane was less then flattering (“half mullet, half duck’s ass”).

At that point in time, all I had on the summer books was a trip to Santa Fe with my Mom. And while I was looking forward to seeing her, the thought of NM in the summer was drying – and I definitely needed to be watered. Thankfully, my HS friend flies for an airline and lives on the water in Annapolis. She offered me a buddy pass and the chance to rejuvenate under her care. She, too, needed some lovin’ and we could help each other. After all, isn’t that what friends are for?

Off I went to a new haircut, a supportive nudge towards Weight Watchers, new underwear and plenty of vodka sodas. By the end of the week, I was feeling hopeful. Armed with her darling daughter’s phrase, “Hunt The Good”, I returned home, washed my clothes and re-packed with a new perspective on Santa Fe. There, with ease and insight, I walked and talked with my wonderful momma, saw an Opera and splurged on new clothes that fit and jewelry that delighted. I was starting to feel like myself again. In the center of town, I found even more words to hold onto, thanks to a beautiful statue of Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha that graced the St. Agassi’s Church. To reinforce what I was seeking to remember, I bought a small case of lavender lip salve in a bright and happy gallery. When I rub it on my lips, it serves as intention that all that passes through them be soft.

When I returned home, I had a few days left to myself and every morning, I walked my neighborhood. I was happy to be home and yet longed for more visits, with other friends and family that I knew I could not get to this summer. One morning, when I was particularly feeling the pull, I came across this posting on a neighbor’s fence. With the seasons and holidays, these clever folks change the clothes of the goose in their yard. I was reminded to notice this happy corner – and to “Hunt The Good” in my own backyard.

As I laid down last night with my daughter and heard her struggle to re-enter her own backyard after spending the last 3 weeks with bright, kind and fun kids she fit with, I was able to listen with an open heart and ease vs trying to fix what was starting to sound like regret for the present. I wasn’t entirely successful, as I do admit to tossing out some ideas to build on the joy she had just experienced, but I was also less scared and wanting to make it all better. She is resilient, insightful and filled with possibility. She doesn’t need my fixing. I need my own fixing. And we both need our own ease. Afterall, that’s what summer is for. And we still have a month to enjoy.

How do you MindFULLY deal with Re-Entry after being away? Let us know!

Don’t Worry

These two weeks mark high school graduations, college graduations and end of school years. Big times for many special people in our life.

Standing around backyards and in hallowed school halls, there’s been many a sigh of relief, reflective conversations and all sorts of future ponderings. It seems no matter the age of your kids, you worry. If you don’t have kids and your parents are still with you, remember that you are a kid to someone and chances are they worry for you.

We don’t want to worry and many of us work hard to let go. But gosh, sometimes the tight feeling in your chest is hard to ignore.

So, with a wink and a nod toward gently reminding us that everyone worries and generally things turn out OK if you simply give them the room to breathe, I share the article When They’re Grown, the Real Pain Begins by Susan Engel, a senior lecturer in psychology and director of the Program in Teaching at Williams College.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/28/booming/when-theyre-grown-the-real-pain-begins.html?smid=fb-share&_r=1&

How about, if just for today, we all agree to take Susan’s advice at the end of her essay and treat ourselves to a few minutes of Zen? See if you can’t put one worry aside. Perhaps a little sunshine and fresh air will bring a new perspective later on. At the very least, it will give you a little less time to worry and a little more time for just loving your kids and/or your own special Self.

How do you MindFULLY stop worrying? Let us know!

MindFULL Color

A few weeks ago I wrote about wanting to paint my bathroom. I’m prone to changing color. I liked the green at first, but it never really sat well with me. However, repainting the room felt daunting. Remembering the lesson my daughter and I had learned – How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time – gave me the courage to look at the job as “one stroke at a time.”

Slowly, but surely, it came together. At first the blue was off, but a quick trip back to the paint store and a little adjustment gave me just the shade I wanted. I love it! When I am in there, or even walking by, my energy changes. What is that about? Do you think that color effects how we feel?

According to Psychology 101 color can certainly affect our moods. Check out their article for a simple read on how your favorite color may be affecting yours.

http://www.psychology-101.com/2012/03/color-psychology-how-colors-affect-our.html

What color do you Mind FULLY gravitate towards? And have you changed a color in your home to change your mood? Let us know!